what colin says...

Promotion

2010-07-01T13:16:00.001Z

Colin: Mr Brendan? He got me promoted.

Richard: From what to what?

Colin: From Shit-Shoveller to Shit-Pusher. There was a pay rise, though.

Richard: There was more shit then?

Colin: Well, yes but that’s the way life goes…

Nigel is just some bloke who has a Mastercard

2010-04-28T15:25:00.001Z

Emma and Lauren and Richard walk into the lift to find Colin with his trolley.

Colin: Bonnie Tyler – 'A Total Eclipse of the Heart'!

Emma: Is that your favourite song?

C: Yes. Well… It’s good.

E: It’s on an advert for something… Mastercard I think?

C: A supermarket?

E: She hovers in the air singing “Thank you Nigel…”

C: To the tune of ‘A Total Eclipse of the Heart’. Yes, she’s good. Bonnie Tyler.

Where's Nat?

2010-03-10T13:30:00.001Z

Colin: Where’s Nat? Dear Nat…

Richard: She’s in the Northampton Suite at the All Team event.

C: Oh! No doubt lending elegance to the proceedings.

I hope she isn’t being made to stand up in front of 50 people and act a scenario showing how she would deal with an awkward customer.

Imagine all those office people in suits and ties watching her and marking her on how she deals with the situation in the act… thing…

R: Role-play.

C: Yes, role-play. How embarrassing!

What they say...

2009-04-23T11:03:00.001Z

They said, “We know you’re one of us! You’re so far in the closet you’re in Narnia!”

They said, “We see the way you mince about…”

They said, “You’ve got a big…” I should say, Fat. “You’ve got a fat bottom!”

Well… I said, “If you’ve got a big nail you need a big hammer to drive it home.”

Stag nights

2009-04-15T14:43:00.001Z

Richard: My brother-in-law went on a stag night were they ended up cling filming the stag naked to a lamppost!

...

Colin: At least he stayed fresh!

Jehovah's Witnesses

2009-04-09T10:41:00.002Z

I have enough with the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I soon throw them out.

Well, not THROW them out.

More like throw them into confusion.

They say, “Have you read the bible this week?”

And I say, “Did you know that Jesus was an alien?”

The bible is full of UFO sightings.

There was an old man on the doorstep with a young girl, about 16. I said, “If she comes in talks to me for a couple of hours then I might be converted!”

They didn’t look impressed.

Do you think that that was inappropriate?

Mind you, if the old man had agreed to visit the other houses while the girl converted me I would of got scared…

I like to get into arguments with them about Jesus being an astronaut. I tell them, "You believe what you want to and I'll believe what I want!"

Bird's nest

2009-04-09T08:31:00.001Z

I don’t like eggs. I liked bird’s nests though.

We liked bird’s nests when we were little.

You have a jacket potato. Cooked, of course.

Then you put the yellow of an egg in the potato.

You boil the egg then scoop the yellow out while it’s still runny and put it in the potato.

Then you put grated cheese around the yellow. In the potato. The spud.

Then you make the grated cheese look like a birds nest.

Lovely...

"I expect you to DIE, Mister Bond!"

2009-04-03T08:15:00.001Z

Richard: Colin would make a good ‘Bond’ villain.

Sophia: He’d have to wear a tuxedo though.

Richard: Do you have a tuxedo, Colin?

Colin: No!

Not any more…

I couldn’t get into it anymore.

We were children then…

The Earth's axis

2008-04-18T13:09:00.000Z

The sooner the Earth spins off its axis the better.

Weep!

2008-04-08T13:53:00.000Z

The fact is you have to put your arms around the world and give it hug and say “We know you have a hole in your ozone layer…”
If the world could cry it would weep.
Spraying aerosols into the air and pouring pollution into the sea *sigh*.
It’s got to last us another million ears and there’s already a crack in Cricklewood!

I'm more accessible

2008-02-20T10:53:00.003Z

Lenka: I like David Tennant.

Colin: I’m more accessible.

Don’t be taken in by all his flim-flam and jibber-jabber.

You’re more likely to bump into me. I’m more to hand!

I can’t understand this fascination for David Tennant. He could be some pip squeak!

Like most men he’s probably got a one track mind. As soon as you had expressed your interest in Doctor Who he would whisk you off to his hotel room for cocktails and canapés.

And you’d still be there in the morning. It would be meaningless. All you would have to show for it would be a plate full of canapé crusts.

He's great in Doctor Who, though.

Don't put a thief in your mouth to steal your brains

2008-01-23T16:07:00.000Z

I went in the toilets at the station this morning.

I asked at the station, first, if they had a toilet. I knew that they had but I thought I’d better double check. So I asked. Before that though I asked if there would be a toilet on the train and they said that were was but that there was no paper in it!

When I went in it was occupied. Every area of the toilet was occupied. So I went outside for a few minutes. When I went back in there was a drunk! And do you know what he was doing? He was urinating in the sink.

I suppose that you don’t care what you’re doing when you’re that sozzled.

As John Wayne said, “Don’t put a fool in your mouth to steal your brains.”

No, wait a minute… it was… Kim Derby (he would drink double gut buster whiskey) and he said, “Don’t put a thief in your mouth to steal your brains.”

Snitched with a smile on her face

2008-01-17T10:37:00.000Z

Have you tried the chocolate fudge cake that is in the staffroom, Mister Richard?

It was brought in by Jeeves. She really is a wonderment to behold!

Despite what she said the other day… When she… squeeled? What’s the word? Snitched! When she snitched on me the other day.

She snitched with a smile on her face. So two minutes later I had to forgive her.

And she brought in chocolate fudge cake!

"Melons"

2008-01-11T09:23:00.000Z

You should be proud to be English.

You support the Royal family though, don’t you?

I do. I’m all for them.

The only one of them I really have any time for though is Lady Helen “Melons” Windsor.

So named because she had, you know... *whistles*

I remember she used to work in an art gallery and had some trouble with a stalker. She and the staff had to barricade themselves into a room at the back of the shop!

What a start in life...

2008-01-10T10:41:00.000Z

A baby was born in Queen Mary’s hospital.

That’s the second one in a month.

When I say born in the hospital I mean born outside the hospital.

She was born in a car in the car park before they could get the mother into the maternity wing.

I’ve been there, the maternity wing. Well, I’ve been past it, I’ve walked past it. I’ve been to every other department, x-ray, emergency…

Boris Johnson was there. Leading the protests about it’s closure, he was saying that we need it!

Back to work

2008-01-03T14:58:00.000Z

I’ve had enough of mince pies and Chrissy pudding.

I can take it moderation but after a while it gets a bit sickly.

Darth Colin

2007-11-23T10:55:00.000Z

Richard: They tried to make Jedi and official religion. If enough people put it down as their religion on the census forms then the government would have to recognise it

Tamsin: Are you a Jedi?

Richard: Yes.

Tamsin: Are you a Jedi Colin?

Richard: Colin went over to the Dark side...

Colin: What? Well… I was but my Light Sabre went out!

A fully trained Kapoony monkey

2007-11-21T16:38:00.000Z

Penelope: What position are all these people interviewing for?

Richard: I don’t know. Maybe they are trying to replace Colin. Do you think they’re trying to replace you Colin?

Colin: Why? Did you see a Kapoony monkey going in for an interview?

Mind you, if they can train a monkey to help a disabled person. To pick up the post and fetch the post and tell them when the door bell is ringing and whatever…

It can be dangerous though, one monkey (it’s only a specific breed of monkey that can be trained to help quadruple people… people without any limbs) went on the rampage and killed its owner! The person it was supposed to be helping!
It picked up a knife and stabbed this person to death! Of course the poor person couldn’t escape so this monkey kept stabbing them!

That was just a minor setback of course.

On the whole these monkeys are very useful. You’ve just got to hope that you haven’t got the one that goes primeval and reverts to its primitive, animal state and attacks you.

It’s alright training a monkey to answer the phone, it’s just that it can’t say hello or tell you who is there.

The Czech Republic's finest exports

2007-10-26T09:36:00.000Z

We have before us one of the Czech Republic’s finest exports.

Not Budweiser but Lenka!

Lenka and traditional Czech Honey Cakes are two of the Czech Republic’s finest exports. Honey cakes are eaten by tiny saucer-eyed children in villages high up in the mountains all over the Czech Republic. Like Mince pies, they’re a tradition.

They’re made of honey, sultanas and maple syrup.

On death

2007-10-11T15:04:00.000Z

Colin: I think I’ll only stop moving when I’m in my coffin.

Tamsin: Don’t worry, we’ll put wheels on your coffin and push you around.

Richard: We’ll give you a Viking burial; we’ll put you in your little wagon, push you out to sea and set fire to you.

Tamsin: Oh, how the women will lament!

Colin: …And a few of the men! *affecting camp lisp* “Whoops! There he goes!”

Ragnar Ironclaw the last of the Viking warriors…

On hold when phoning the doctor's surgery

2007-10-05T08:56:00.000Z

Oo! There’s more classical music!

Doo doo du du du du doo doo dee du

I used to hate classical music when I was a kid but I love it now. I used to think it was boring.

Back… Barck!
Bet-hoven!
Issac Chi-kovsky!

Ah yes…

Hole-in-the-head Gang

2007-09-25T07:50:00.000Z

Colin: Is that your Walkman? Or your ipod?

Richard: It’s an ipod.

Colin: What are you listening to? Thin Lizzy? Dire Straits?

Richard: No, neither of those.

Colin: Chaka Khan?

Richard: No. I was just listening to Guns n’ Roses.

Colin: Oh, that’s not my cup of tea. I don’t like all that heavy metal. Motorhead? Do you remember Motorhead and Girlschool getting together to do a song called ‘St Valentine’s Day Massacre’? Phew! It was great! I had a photo from NME up on my wall of them all dressed up as gangsters (and Girlschool dressed up as gangsters molls, like Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde, with revolvers and looking sultry). Phwoar, it was great. I loved it, what with me being fascinated by gangsters. They were known as the Hole-in-the-head Gang.

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes

2007-09-21T08:26:00.000Z

Colin: Crunchy nut cornflakes!

Richard: Is that what you had for breakfast?

Colin: Phwoar, yeah! They’re on special offer at the moment. The biggest box is £2.18, down from £3.18. Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. Phwoar! They’re lovely.

Well, they’re ok if you like that sort of thing…

Colin's funny dream (from a while ago)

2007-09-17T14:36:00.000Z

I had a funny dream one time, a long time ago.

It was a bit rude.

It had Canon & Ball in it.

We were walking down the sea front, me and Canon & Ball and all the passers-by were pointing and whispering “There’s Canon & Ball!”, and, “Who’s that chap with them?”.

I was feeling ever so proud of myself because I was walking along the promenade with Canon & Ball.

Eventually we got to a Fish and Chip shop.

It was a Topless Fish and Chip shop! No, no, wait… it was a Nude Fish and Chip shop, i.e. all the staff were in the nude… and they were all women!

Just imagine, a Nude Fish and Chip shop!

Anyway, one of the ladies working behind the counter was complaining that the customers kept asking her to stretch for things high up on a top shelf or bend over to get things from the bottom shelf!

Canon & Ball where both stood next to me as we all peered over the counter!

Hee hee!

I don’t know where I get it all from. I don’t where I get all these weird dreams and nightmares from. They say it’s some sort of reflection of your mental state. I mean, I’ve seen Canon & Ball on the telly but I don’t know why I was thinking about them?

Little Emily

2007-09-14T08:16:00.000Z

Richard: Little Emily went on a date the other night.

Colin: What?! Law Emily? Look what happens when I’m not here.
If I’d have been here I would have put my foot down!

*assumes an air of authority*

I want you home by Eight!

… In tact!

Colin: Where did she go for this date? The London Dungeon?

Richard: She went for dinner.

Colin: Ah, Fish and Chips?

Kate

2007-09-14T08:15:00.000Z

Be careful not to aggravate Kate.

She can be a bit intimidating. They don’t call her “Laser-beam Eyes” for nothing.

One look can chill you to the bone!

Don’t get me wrong, she’s a sweet kid. It’s just that… she’s got a penetrating glare. Like Sarah had. The one she uses when the students are annoying her.

Not that they’d notice, they’re too high on crack cocaine.

The Bells!

2007-09-13T13:25:00.000Z

Elango: (reaching for a shelf) It’s hard being short!

Colin: (shifting a box) You should try being ugly as well!

…

Colin: (resting on box) I’ve been told I look like Quasimodo…

It's not a perfect world

2007-08-15T09:57:00.000Z

You can’t have everything, can you?

If you want soft toilet paper you should bring it yourself!

Chopper Chick

2007-08-10T10:39:00.000Z

I went out with a girl, once, who was twice the size of me.

She was huge!

And she was covered in tattoos.

Like a biker chick. What I like to call a “Chopper Chick”.

She was a bit of goer!

Ah, Gone but not forgotten…

Girls with red hair

2007-08-10T10:37:00.000Z

I’ve never had the opportunity to romance a girl with red hair.

I have limited experience anyway but I’ve never been with a red head.

You know what my mate says about girls with red hair?

They have red hairy-mary’s!

I mean a dark one is scary enough!

Jeeves

2007-08-10T09:36:00.001Z

She was like a breath of fresh air…

She breathed life into an otherwise defunct department

She was like…

She was like a lovely red rose with water drops glistening on its petals

Power mad!

2007-08-03T10:49:00.000Z

Pat: I’m in charge next week Colin. Whooooa!

Colin: That’s no excuse for going power mad!

Trouble with my toes

2007-07-31T14:16:00.000Z

I’ve had no end of trouble with my toes.

I dropped a box on them. Well, on the nails to be precise.

They went all manky and horrible.

I had to show the doctor. He said that it was a very intriguing case.

And I had to show the nurses…

British Food

2007-07-20T08:36:00.000Z

That’s another aspect of British culture…

Carrot Cake.

I’m sure you get some good food in Croatia, or wherever, but it won’t be as nice as British carrot cake.

Or a homemade Rum-Barbar, or a potato cake.

Gaia's protection

2007-07-17T11:01:00.000Z

If you’re a believer in the Earth Mother, Gaia, then she protects you.

If a woman has long flowing red hair and she is being approached by a common thug then Mother Gaia will move the hair (the hair will appear to move as if by its own volition) and it will curl up and protect the woman’s head like a kind of helmet.

It doesn’t have to be red hair. This is just one example of how she will protect people.

If you believe in that sort of thing…

A homeless man in the morning

2007-07-13T10:54:00.000Z

There was a homeless man outside the station this morning.

At least I presume he was homeless. He had a scruffy baseball cap on and was swigging from a bottle of… White Ace or White lightning.

He was swigging from it *GULP GULP GULP* he was drunk already. At that time in the morning!

Anyway, he shouted something at me as I walked past but I didn’t make out what he mumbled.

I walked on a little bit and then shouted back to him, “Have a good day at the office!”
Then I said, “I see you’ve got enough money for a scruffy baseball cap.”

Then I carried on.

Tee hee!

Sitting down, reading a book

2007-07-10T15:20:00.000Z

Manjiv: Hey Cols!

Colin: What?

I wasn’t doing what you thought I was doing.

I wasn’t doing anything. I was static.

Oh…

Back off!

Back off sister!

Star Wars conventions

2007-07-10T09:38:00.000Z

Little Carrie Fisher, she’s been to those Star Wars conventions.

She has a big gay following, you know. It must be her artistic nature; all the frills and tassels.

She’s famous for the gold bikini. Phwoar!

All the nerds turn up at the book signings and just stare at her. They’re obsessed with that image of her.

If she was running along she’d just fall right out of it, because it wouldn’t move ‘cos it’s made of metal. She’d just keep on running…

That woman from ‘Friends’ wore the gold bikini. It has struck a chord with men I suppose, the gold bikini. Men like it.

They’re fixated on her, they can’t take their eyes off her. All the anoraks, the nerds. With their coke-bottle glasses, y’know, the big wide glasses. Drooling… “Urgh! Princess Leia!”

She wrote “Postcards from the edge”.

She makes a good living from it I suppose, going to all the conventions.

A desktop or a laptop?

2007-07-03T14:09:00.000Z

Me: So what computer are you going to have, Colin? A desktop or a laptop?

Colin: Er, neither. I’ll have a pole dancer.

...

Colin: And I’ll provide the pole! “There you go, have a turn around that!”

Question

2007-06-27T08:01:00.000Z

Who knows what is in Men's hearts?

Glastonbury

2007-06-25T12:45:00.000Z

Dame Shirley Bassey? She had some sort of hoo-haa with her helicopter, didn’t she?

And she had DSB in diamonds on the side of her wellies!

Did she sing all the famous ones?

Goldfinger (Ah, James Bond!), Hey Big Spender, Kiss Me Honey Honey

That’s what Ursula Andress sang as she came out of the water in ‘Dr No’. But it wasn’t her singing of course… it was dubbed over with someone else. It was Diana Coupland…

Obviously Ursula Andress has a voice for other than singing!

Diana Coupland , she was most famous for being in ‘Bless This House’ with Syd James and Terry Scott.

I’m not bothered about Glastonbury. I’d rather go and see Panto. It’s more entertaining and twice as funny. Plus it’s a safer envirnonment.

I wouldn’t mind all the girls rolling around in the mud getting soaked through. With their t-shirts and tiny denim shorts all covered in mud.

That would be alright. But it's nothing like Woodstock...

I was never a hippy. I read about peace and free love, though.

There’s an old joke about hippies: Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the drowning hippy? Because he was too far out man!

Human ingenuity

2007-06-25T08:34:00.000Z

If humans can land a man on the moon we should be able to find the end of a piece of sellotape.

A nice student?

2007-06-21T14:28:00.000Z

Lenka: We met a nice psychology student on level 3.

Colin: There was a nice student? I bet he had his brains in his trousers. And he took ecstasy!

Dhanveer: Do I detect a hint of jealousy there, Colin?

Colin: Well… we can’t all be Arnold Schwarztenegger.

…

Colin: I bet he had huge bug eyes from smoking the spliffs.

A formidable opponent

2007-06-20T10:19:00.000Z

I was on the issue desk floor. Walking through the corridor, you know.

And this girl came out of the Gents toilet. She was… you know… Asian!

I said to her, “Do you know that this is a Gents toilet?”

And she said, “No, I never knew that.” Then she walked off.

She was a regular cutie. A formidable opponent.

Free Ice-cream

2007-06-13T13:30:00.000Z

There was a great big massive group of people all milling about near that new ice-cream vending stall downstairs.

This bloke said to me that they were giving away free samples. They get you to sample the stuff for free in the hope that you will like it and come back and pay for some more.

Anyway, I joined this long queue and waited to get my free ice-cream.

When I got to the front of the queue I asked the girl, “Is this ice-cream free?” and she said,

“No!”

So I walked off without buying any.

The double tap method

2007-06-11T11:18:00.000Z

The double tap method, as the SAS call it

Tap tap

They're trained to shoot a target with one to the chest and one to the head

With one in the chest you could still be in a position to hurt someone but the one in the nut will put a stop to that

It's to make sure

The double tap method … according to the SAS

Tap tap

That’ll teach you to walk down the street waving a homemade samurai sword about…

After arguing with the wife…

And downing a bottle of whiskey to drown your sorrows…

And going into a pub and harassing the drinkers…

Eating their shepherd’s pie…

Tap tap

Sausages first

2007-05-16T12:01:00.000Z

Dhanveer: Do you ever get the beans with the little sausages?

Colin: On occasions. I eat the sausages first, though.

An ancient joke

2007-05-16T11:10:00.000Z

Some years ago when the archaeologists went to Egypt, they found a small pyramid.

They went all round the pyramid to find the entrance and eventually found a small door at the back. There was a rough track leading to the door where the ancient Egyptians arrived on foot or on horse and cart.

There were hieroglyphics above the door.

When they deciphered it the writing said, “Toot and come in”.

The World cracks open!

2007-05-16T09:25:00.000Z

There’s no point trying to save the environment if the world is going to crack in half.

Crack in two like a bald walnut!

One day you’ll be walking down the High Road with your Safeway’s carrier bag in your hand and the next minute you’ll be flying off into Outer Space…

… desperately trying to hold your breath because of the lack of oxygen!

Monkey liver soup

2007-04-25T13:49:00.001Z

I’m not too sure about Woody Allen. I’ve never been able to get into his movies for some reason. They don’t appeal to me.

Now everyone can laugh at Laurel and Hardy, a fat one and a thin one. Hilarious!

I never liked Charlie Chaplin, though. Ooh no! He was still having kids when he was in his eighties! He was still fathering children at that age!

It’s because he ate monkey liver soup.

It puts lead in your pencil. Everybody knows that…

Fred Dibner's flat cap

2007-04-25T10:35:00.000Z

Dhanveer: Fred Dibner.

Colin: The steam engine bloke on the telly? With the cloth cap?

Dhanveer: I could see you in a cloth cap, Colin. Would you ever wear one?

Colin: No. I don’t really know about that. Mind you “Baby-Face” Nelson wore a cloth cap.

Dhanveer: What about over-alls?

Colin: No! I don’t like dungarees! I like a one piece boiler suit and a ski mask.

*affecting East End gangster drawl*

“Open the safe or she gets it!”

How the Honey-Bun shop got its name

2007-04-18T13:47:00.001Z

I went in the charity shop.

There was a sign: Hardbacks 89p Paperbacks 69p

So to be different I went up to the woman behind the counter and asked “How much is this one?” And she said “69p, honey-bun!”

The lady in the shop, the manager, she’s a funny lady.

So I went in the shop next week and chose another book and asked her “How much is this one honey-bun?”

And she blew up at me! “What did you call me?!” She went off on one!

She’s a funny one, a bit eccentric if you ask me.

Spiritual Schedule

2007-03-23T16:25:00.001Z

Colin: Do the clocks go forward or back this weekend

K: Forward. Spring forward, fall back.

Colin: Well, how am I supposed to remember that

Anyway, I don't have a watch.

I used to have a pocket watch, but John got hold of it and over wound it.

I don't want a watch

K: So how do you know if you're on schedule or not?

Colin: It's more of a spiritual schedule.

Honey and beans

2007-03-23T11:34:00.001Z

Raymond. He worked in the post room.

He once said that he’d like to cover me in honey and beans and hold me upside by my ankles and then lick it all off!

I assume he was joking!

Nuclear Dress

2007-03-23T09:10:00.000Z

Manjiv looks lovely.

She’s got lovely, long, flowing, elegant locks.

She should be wearing a long, flowing, elegant ball-gown, something very elegant, like they wear to the Oxford and Cambridge Gentlemen’s clubs.

We could go and I would have her on my arm, *posh accent* “Come along M’dear. Let’s make our way to the buffet.”

I would wear my best bow and dickie.

I’d draw the line at a top hat though!

I remember when Cherie was going to her husband’s falling-out ceremony, the … what’s it called? Passing-out parade at Sandhurst!

She came in and showed us the dress she was going to wear for that!

*Phew!*

*Blimey!*

She put it on in the staff room. Everyone said “Don’t go in the staffroom Cherie is getting changed!”

*Phew!*

It was a lovely, long, flowing, elegant dress. It is what I refer to as a ‘Nuclear Dress’, i.e. a lot of fallout!

*Phew!*

How's your Birthday going then Colin?

2007-03-21T14:44:00.000Z

It’s all getting chaotic.

It’s all kicking off.

It was alright this morning. It was nice and easy but then everything starts to get hectic. Everything catches up with you!

Plus there are people jibber-jabbering at you. Jibber Jabber.

And that’s not to mention our friend leaning out the window with his mobile phone! The little pip-squeak.

Harry Worth

2007-03-20T14:17:00.000Z

We were just watching that Comic Relief downstairs. Roaring we were.

Mind you, I don't much like that Johnny Vegas fellow. He's fat, dirty and unshaven. And he's always drunk.

What's so funny about a drunken slob anyway?

I prefer Harry Worth.

Brand new £20 notes

2007-03-19T12:06:00.000Z

I got rid of forty pounds worth of change in the Post Office.

I went to the woman behind the counter and asked for one of those new twenty pound notes.

I counted out twenty pounds worth of change and asked for a crisp new £20, one with no creases or crumples or rips; one that was perfectly flat.

She said that I could iron them if I wanted them that flat but I told her that I didn’t want to burn it!

Anyway, she gave a brand new note and I asked for the same again. I counted out another twenty pounds in change but this time she gave me TWO £20 notes!

Now, you will remember that she had already given me one new £20 note so I was getting £60 for only £40 of change!

I had to think fast.

If their till came up £20 down at the end of the day they might trace it back to me so I decided to tell her. She said, “Did I?” and quickly took the extra note back. It was one of the new ones and brand new!

Just think, £60 in brand new twenty pound notes for only £40 in change!

Old Stringy Neck

2007-03-19T10:28:00.000Z

I call him Old Stringy Neck, or Old Ropey Neck.

If there was an apocalypse he’d survive.

He’d survive through sheer meanness.

You’d find him amongst the ruins of the once proud city picking at scraps with a battered old shopping trolley foraging through the ruin of Woolworths looking for anything that he can get his hands on… a pair of old socks… whatever.

Some girls from the flats saw him one morning, *ahem*… squatting… *thhbpp!* doing a number two! Right in front of the young mothers with prams!

He’s not on this planet. I think there’s something wrong with him.

He's got long, lank, stringy hair and a long stringy neck.

Sarah says that he’s a care in the community that has slipped through the net.

The Coin Creep

2007-03-16T12:59:00.000Z

If I see a crumbled five pound note, I’d rather it went in my pocket than in the pocket of the Coin Creep.

He walks up and down the high street with his head down looking in the gutter, looking for coins.

He’s got a big job in the city! I wonder what Sarah would make of it.

I only care for the shiny coins, but he’ll have any.

One time I found a £10 note at the bus stop, so I told Coin Creep about it, “you missed it ‘cos you were busy looking for bent rusty pennies,” I said.

He replied, but I didn’t quite catch it.....

Up and down the high Street looking for rusty coins...

...and he goes to St Mary’ Cray as well!

The so-called Red Nose Day

2007-03-16T12:45:00.000Z

I remember last year, around the time of Red Nose Day. The so-called Red Nose Day. I was walking down to the Tube station and I saw some girls wearing short skirts…

They wear dressed as nurses.

They were shaking buckets at me and saying, “Support Red Nose Day!”

I glanced in their direction but I didn’t put anything in their bucket. I’m afraid to say.

On the other side of the road there was about five girls dressed as St Trinnians' Girls. They had really short skirts on too. And one of them was a great big dollop of a girl!

She had legs like tree trunks. She was busting out all over the place!

That’s why I crossed the road. I was bloody terrified! Plus that way I wouldn’t have to put anything in their bucket, of course.

…

There’s nothing wrong with having a bit of meat on the bones. Better that than a skinny sister.

My one concern is that they would attract the wrong sort of attention. You know what men are like.

Gareth Hunt

2007-03-15T10:05:00.000Z

Gareth Hunt.

Gareth Hunt.

He’s no longer with us.

G-A-R-E-T-H-H-U-N-T.

Perhaps if you look him up…

* G-A-R-E-T-H-H-U-N-T is googled*

He was in The Avengers and, oh, he was in Space 1999.

… and he was in a coffee ad. Nescafe.

Hmmm… he’s died. He bit the dust.

Pan… pant… pan-tree… pantric

Cancer of some sort.

I seem to remember him being in The Avengers with Joanna Lumley as Purdey.

Sunny with highs of 15C

2007-03-13T16:31:00.000Z

Me: Do you like this weather?

Colin: No!

M: Are you only happy when it rains?

C: Yes… Rain to wash away all the scum…

M: To wash these city streets clean?

C: Yes… Dirty Harry style policing that’s what we need. Rain and a Magnum.

M: Oh!

C: If we see an old lady rolling in the gutter and a group of kids running off holding a handbag they should shoot them in the legs to stop them escaping not stop them and ask for their name and address. They’d be lying there crying:
“’Ere! You just shot me!”
“You just hurt an old lady.”
“Well… yeah.”

It would serve them right. Scum.

Dream of the Apocalypse

2007-03-07T16:45:00.000Z

(I had a dream, last night, in which Colin appeared.
Although this isn’t exactly something that Colin has said to me it does concern Colin and is certainly one of his favourite subjects, so I thought I’d include it in this blog.)

I dreamt that I was the leader of a rag tag band of people who had survived the fall of civilisation!

The world has suffered some sort of apocalyptic virus that has wiped out 99% of humanity leaving the survivors to scratch a living in the decaying remains of the cities. I got the impression that zombies roamed the land as well.

While out on a patrol in the ruins of London looking for food I happen to meet Colin. He is dressed as he normally is for work but he is armed with a variety of knives. In the dream Colin demonstrates a talent for throwing these knives with amazing accuracy. Because of this martial skill we decide to team up and search the ruins together, driving around in a car with no doors.

Then I woke up.

Cavemen

2007-03-01T10:17:00.000Z

What's this? Lenka's getting hassled on the issue desk? By a bloke?

We’ve got our share of creeps.

I won’t say any more.

5000 years of evolution and men are still the same.

Hit them over the head and drag them away by their hair.

Like cavemen.

And he had a can of Red Bull!

2007-02-28T14:45:00.000Z

What’s that? Another student trying to get in the library with a can of Red Bull?

I tried Red Bull once.

I didn’t like it. It’s disgusting.

Don’t you think?

It’s sickly…

I saw some people coming out of a night club one time, they had their arms around each other holding each other up and they were drinking Red Bull. And they were singing, “Mull of Kintyre”.

Then one of them turned to the other and said, “It’s true, you know, Red Bull does give you Wings”.

...

Tee Hee. Where do I get them from?

Ponytails

2007-02-26T12:44:00.000Z

My mate doesn't like ponytails.

He says, well... its not very complimentary. He says, "If you lift up a ponytail...

you find an arsehole underneath!"

I've been eating fruit and cereal

2007-02-23T12:05:00.000Z

Colin: I’ve been eating fruit and cereals. Once a day and that’s it. Since I was sick in my tummy I decided to cut out the chips and burgers and try and live on fruit and cereals. For my insides. I’ve been taking Magnesium Trilicitate. So Emily, when is your last day?

Emily: Tuesday.

C: Then there will be doughnuts on Tuesday?

E: Do you like doughnuts then?

C: Er… No!

Me: So you’ve given up chips and burgers and doughnuts?

C: Er… Yes!

M: So if there was a big box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts on the counter on Tuesday you wouldn’t have any?

C: Er… Probably.

M: Probably or definately?

C: Er... Definately.

Poorly!

2007-02-20T09:08:00.000Z

M: Are you feeling better today?

C: I was puk… being sick all yesterday. All day long.

M: And you’ve got a sore throat?

C: Yes.

M: Is it painful to talk?

C: Yes.

M: I’ll have to remember not to ask you too many questions.

...

M: It was nice to see Sarah on Friday, wasn't it?

C: Yes. She looked very good.

It is advisable never to allow someone near your eyes with a pair of scissors

2007-02-16T10:43:00.000Z

M: Did you not go to the barbers last night?

C: No. Why? Do you think I need to?

M: I heard that you were going to get a spruce up before Sarah’s visit.

C: Anyway it is advisable never to allow someone near your eyes with a pair of scissors, even if they do know what they’re doing.

M: What, not even a barber?

C: Well, not Siobhan.

M: Who’s Siobhan?

C: Siobhan in the post room, she trimmed my eyebrows last time. In the post room they told me to get a ‘Back, Sack and Crack’ done.

Gas?

2007-02-16T09:57:00.000Z

C: Sharon was singing.

M: What?

C: Sharon was singing.

M: No, what was she singing?

C: “Yummy, yummy, yummy. I’ve got love in my tummy.” Then Manjiv walked in and said, “Are you sure it’s not ‘Gas’?” So we both said, “No. It’s definitely ‘Love’.”

Drugs

2007-02-15T09:59:00.001Z

Me: Did you watch the Brits last night?

Colin: No. It’s not my thing. And I don’t like that Russell Brand.

Me: Don’t you think he’s funny?

Colin: No. The girls say he’s a sour-faced creep with a big head.

Me: Isn’t that just his big hair?

Colin: No he is a bit full of his own importance. And he’s been on… you know…

Me: Drugs?

Colin: Whiz and Es and heroin. Craig Charles was the same. It was his undoing. People who take all that stuff… it always gets them in the end. Lister. On Red Dwarf. He was on Emerdale Farm until someone took a picture of him smoking Crack in the back of a car. Then he was hauled in front of his bosses and they wanted to ask him some serious questions…

It gets them in the end.

Did you get any Valentines cards, Colin?

2007-02-14T10:45:00.000Z

1) I didn’t get any.

2) I wasn’t expecting any anyway

And

3) I wasn’t expecting any anyway.

If you haven’t got a sweetheart it doesn’t concern you. You’re better off on your own, looking after number one.

One year there was something waiting on my desk. It was a picture of a Knight on a horse with a limp lance.

It said, “From a sad Lady-in-Waiting, why don’t you notice me? Boo hoo.”

It was anonymous. I never found out who it was.

Colin is a top team member

2007-02-13T15:45:00.000Z

Just give me a baseball bat and I’ll kill the zombies.

Knock their head off. That’s how you kill them, you see.

They’re still undead and you have to keep away from the mouth ‘cos they can still bite you.

I’d be like Clu Gulager. He took a baseball bat and knocked this zombie’s head off *splat*.

Then they can’t come after you screaming,“BRAAAINS!”

Who do you want to look up on the computer?

2007-02-12T15:36:00.000Z

I don’t know how to spell it but…

Bam-Bam Bigalow. The Beast from the East.

Akeem. The one Man Gang

He used to do all this with his hands… *wiggles hands*

Owen “The Rocket” Hart died in the ring when his elastic band snapped. He was being lowered into the ring on an elastic band.

He fell about 40ft and snapped his neck on a corner post. *CRACK*

The audience all thought it was part of the show!

Relaxing about the house

2007-02-07T16:23:00.000Z

I’ve got my big baggy khaki shorts for relaxing around the house. They’re getting baggier and baggier.

Occasionally I have to answer the door in them. One time there was a knock and I went down in my baggy shorts and it was the Laughing Lady. She said, “You shouldn’t answer the door to a woman wearing something like that!”

My mate doesn’t like shorts. He says men shouldn’t wear shorts, especially with skinny legs. He says that my shorts look like they've got two bits of spagetti hanging down!

I got told off for going in the supermarket wearing them. They said, “Don’t you come in here wearing them! Especially near foodstuffs. You’re unhygienic!”

They just like picking on me.

Fred Barker and Alvin "Creepy" Karpovic

2007-02-06T10:38:00.000Z

"I love Mum"

Fred Barker had that tattooed on his left forearm. It was his undoing!

All the Barker boys had an unholy devotion to their mother, Ma Barker.

Fred went fishing but all his fishing friends knew him as Mr Blackburn. There was a wanted poster out for Fred Barker, it said 5’11”, scar on cheek and tattoo of ‘I Love Mum’ on left arm. Of course when he went fishing he rolled up his sleeves.

The fishing guys mentioned to the Feds that Mr Blackburn had the same tattoo! And once you've got the Feds on your tail you've had it. Sooner or later they'll catch up with you.

…

The four brothers all swung in different directions. In prison they became someone’s old woman but on the out side they kidnapped young girls! They went out in the night and the first girl they saw they’d grab and take back to their hideout. Once the boys had finished with the girl Ma would say “I like the look of her, send her in to me.” Then, of course, they had to kill her because she could identify the gang and tell the police where the hideout was. So the local lake started filling up with girls with their throats cut.

Alvin “Creepy” Karpis, Karpovic, because of his eyes. He would charge Hell with a bucket of water, he was a good old boy gone bad. In prison he was Fred Barker’s boyfriend. Out of prison he had a wife and child but inside he was in an environment of just men.

Fred said to Creepy, “When we get out of here why don’t you come back with me and join our gang?” So he did.

Ma Barker liked the look of old creepy, old fish eyes.

If old Ma had the itch and she didn’t have a husband at the time one of the sons would have to do it. They all had an unholy devotion to their mother.

Creepy got out of prison in 1969, he died sometime in the ‘80’s of old age. He outlived all his luminaries and his, ahem, boyfriend Fred. He was the last one left.

Naked at 3am

2007-02-05T12:07:00.000Z

My mate likes to strip naked and run around his garden at 2 or 3 in the morning.

He leaves the door ajar but he always takes a key with him so he can let himself in (this is in case the wind blows the door shut or something).

He checks that all the lights in the windows along the street are out. Most people are asleep at that time and shouldn’t be looking out of their windows. Then, when he thinks its safe, he runs out and runs around the garden. With no clothes on!

There’s always the chance that the little old lady who lives below might look out and see him (I think that he likes the idea of getting seen by her) but she should be in bed.

I don’t see anything wrong with it. As long as he doesn’t hurt anybody.

…

He owns a gas mask.

A bit of confusion in the supermarket

2007-02-05T12:03:00.000Z

Chicken balls.

It’s what I call chicken nuggets. It caused some confusion when I asked for them in the supermarket.

You can get meat balls and you can also get fish balls. They are like fish fingers but round.

I went to the supermarket staff and said, “I notice in your fridge you have an offer. Buy two cod steaks and get one packet of cod balls free.”

But I looked around and couldn’t find the cod steaks. I asked the staff and they said “Why don’t you just buy the cod balls if that’s what you want?”

But I needed the cod steaks in order to get the cod balls for free.

A few days earlier a bloke was in front of me in the queue for the checkout and he bought cod steaks and the checkout girl told him he could get cod balls for free. But he said he didn’t like cod balls!

I never thought to ask him to give me the cod balls.

Under Siege

2007-02-02T11:40:00.000Z

I believe there’s a good film on on Saturday.

Under Siege.

Steven Seagal, Erika Elnack and Cary Busey (He ended up in rehab; he went down the drugs and drink path; he was in Predator too).

Terrorists take over an aircraft carrier and steal the missiles. And Erica El… whatshername, (she was in the Beverly Hillbillies) bursts out of a cake.

Casey Ribeck. An ex-Navy SEAL who throws knives.

Steven Seagal plays the same character in Under Siege 2.

That takes place on a train.

What’s the word on the street, Colin?

2007-01-31T13:09:00.000Z

There’s not a fatwa on Jade yet.

Not as far as we know.

A fatwa. Salman Rushdie’s got one for writing the Satanic Verses. He got it from the Islam, Muslim, the fundamentalists.

Didn’t he?

Fiddler's Dram

2007-01-30T15:43:00.000Z

D-R-A-M. Like in a shot of whiskey.

Fiddler’s Dram. You know, they did ‘Day Trip to Bangor’.

“Didn’t we have a lovely time the day we went to Banger…”
“Diddle-de-dee”

I preferred Brain and Michael.

“And he painted matchstick men and matchstick cats and dogs
He painted kids on the corner of the street that were sparking clogs
Now he takes his brush and he waits outside them factory gates
To paint his matchstick men and matchstick cats and dogs”

“And something, something, outside them pearly gates…
And he went ee by gum or something…”

L.S. Lowry

Do you know who I mean?

It could be Sarah...

2007-01-30T12:14:00.000Z

Colin is sitting with his feet up, reading a book.

Me: Rushed off your feet?

Colin: I’ve caught up for the time being.

Me: That phone could ring at anytime and disturb you.

Colin: But who would it be?

Me: It could be anyone. That’s what keeps our days interesting.

Colin: It could be Sarah telling us that she’s coming over with a bottle of chilled white wine. And a large cheese pizza.

Operation

2007-01-29T09:58:00.000Z

My mate Raymond went into hospital, he was having some sort of operation. When they were reviving him his heart and brain waves stopped for 3 or 4 minutes but they thumped his chest or whatever they do and he came back. The doctors told him that he was technically dead for that time.

I asked him what happened in those 3-4 minutes and he said that he either saw or heard God. I can’t remember which.

After that he got all religious.

Severed Head Bag

2007-01-29T09:55:00.000Z

The weekend was a bit chaotic. I went looking round the shops to find a new bag. First I tried the charity shops but all they had were handbags and rucksacks. Then I tried Woolworths but they just had rucksacks and I don’t fancy a rucksack.

I went in the sports shop and they were having a sale. I ended up buying a Head bag, a severed Head bag, £23 down to £15.

I call them severed Head bags because Psycho used to have one. He used to work here. He was a funny boy, a bit erratic, like Tom, a bit erratic.

Anyway, I used to refer to his bag as the ‘Severed Head’ bag. One of my fickle little things, you know.

It was in the sale for £15, not bad.

On Saturday the zip got stuck. It wouldn’t go up or down, backwards or forwards.

Anyway mum did it but the lining was coming away. I kept the receipt so mum is going to return it for me.

I’ve fallen back on my bowling bag which I usually use for my shopping when I go to the supermarket. It’s what I call my shopping bag. It was originally designed to hold a bowling ball so it has a reinforced bottom. It will do for work in the meantime.

My mate the lifeguard

2007-01-26T13:32:00.000Z

My mate (who worked as a lifeguard in the swimming pool) once set me up with a date.

He told me her name was Christine Lyon and he gave a number to ring to contact her.

I rang the number and a female voice at the other end of the line said, "Hello, London Zoo. Can I help?" I decided it was best not to ask for C. Lyon like my mate had said.

...

The telephonist had a sexy voice.

Oxford?

2007-01-25T15:38:00.000Z

Oxford?

Inspector Morse is from Oxford.

I prefer all the kicking in doors and banging heads together, none of this human rights rubbish.

Reagan and Carter. Dennis Waterman and John Thaw.

That’s the kind of policing I like.

Chocolate sauce

2007-01-25T14:15:00.000Z

A guy went into McDonalds and started waving a gun in the faces of the staff because his friend didn’t get enough chocolate sauce on his McMuffin.

A poor excuse if you ask me.

I remember an episode about telepathic midgets

2007-01-22T13:01:00.000Z

On some planet or derelict spacecraft somewhere Wilma Deering is talking to some midgets.

Wilma Deering: Where are all the women?
Telepathic Midget: What are women?
WD: Where do you come from?
TM (with peaked cap): The queen lays eggs.
WD: How does the queen get eggs? Is there a male?
TM: What is a male?
WD: I am a woman and you are a male.

The midgets then use their mind control to undo the zip *brrrrrrrrrrrr* on Wilma’s one-piece, skin-tight suit.